Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Oh Summer, Where Art Thou? 7.18.10

it. is. july...o summer, where art thou?

this summer has been one of the more challenging seasons of my life. it is so hard to pin point one thing that has really challenged me but i think it's safe to start with my mom. my mom has had poor health for many, many years now and at the end of may we found out that she had a 15 pound mass in her abdomen. the first dr reported that she was almost certain it was cancer. that is never fun news. so began the roller coaster.

my mom insisted that she have her vacation before her surgery. "this could be mom's last vacation"....of course that was in the back of our minds the entire time, not to mention seeing her weak and in pain.
in early june my mom had her surgery, her mass was removed and there was NO cancer!!! what a relief....so after several nights in the hospital i headed back to regular life and immediately set out for a colorado mission trip, followed by vacation bible school (which ended today...praise jesus).
somewhere in the week between colorado and vacation bible school i realized that the summer had taken its toll on me. i had crawled in my hole. i tend to interalize stress, not because i'm not dealing with it but because i need to do some personal processing before i'm ready to talk about it. even though its the way i deal, i hate it because i know it looks like i'm shutting people out. i'm not. the other problem with these internalization processing holes....i forget.

i forget the moments when i was confident. confident in relationship, job, finances, calling, basically i forget how to be confident in who i am.

i've decided i need an altar. i need something that reminds me of those moments when i heard my creator's voice and i was confident. i need a physical reminder of the promises i know stand true for me.

i need an altar.

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