Monday, February 28, 2011

writing for me

I read a friend's blog earlier and it sparked some thoughts and ideas. Click here and read it too! So I decided that I would do a little "free writing" with everything going on upstairs...

 It is so funny to me that once I came to terms with the fact that what I create doesn't have to sound like anyone else that is when my creativity began to spark. Over the past ten years I have really learned so much about who I am but I think I've been scared to let that show in my writing. I was always so afraid no one wanted to hear anything about me. So here I am, after wasted time, realizing that what I write is really for me, its my expression, my outlet. If someone hears it and identifies with it that makes it even more worth it but I write for me. I write about me. I write about friends in my life and situations I see.

In her blog, Ruta says "Write what you feel. Write what you imagine. Write what you love." Never EVER did she say, "Write what you think people will want to read." (or in my case "hear") There are some artists that I LOVE but that doesn't mean I need to sound or write like they do. I absolutely adore Pink, her courage, her honesty, her sincerity and her amazing ability to say whatever the crap she wants. BUT I'm not Pink. I think I would get fired from my current employer. If not fired at least suspended and there would be committee called to deal with the craziness. haha! Not to mention the fact that my Mom would have me on every prayer chain she could come in contact with! (Sorry for the Pink rant, my inner rock star loves her.) Anyway...I'm just me. I can't pretend to know what anyone would really want to hear but I know what I like to hear and I know what I need to say.

I agree with Ruta. I don't really know that much but I do know who I am. So I will write about me, my life and my dreams. I'm learning more about myself and I'm experiencing new ways to love others every day. That's great news for me because I know that if I keep my guitar handy my life will produce lyrics and melodies that I love. The world may never hear them but I will and I will cherish every one.

So I'm taking "write what you are" to heart. Thanks for the reminder, friend!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


Emotion is such a crazy beast. During my graduate studies in the couseling field it was ingrained into my brain that, "Emotions are not right or wrong. They are just emotions." Being a very emotional person, I live by this principal. Not only do I live by the principal but I tell everyone that asks for advice, needs a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on...this is a revolutionary concept. We place blame or judgement on ourselves for "feeling" a certain way. What really matters is our reaction to the emotion. We get to choose how we express that anger, happiness, or love. We truly are in control of our own emotions.

So that brings me to fear.

I choose to loathe you, fear.

For more than a decade I have truly wanted a musical career in one aspect or another. Every time I get close to taking a step in the musical direction, there is my good ole' pal fear. Someone asked me once, are you scared of failing? Yes! But for me, I am equally scared of succeeding. As the old saying goes, "damned if you do, damned if you don't."

Being in this stagnate state is so familiar. If I don't make an effort, if I don't take initiative then I can't fail OR succeed. It really all comes down to the unknown...what would it be like to fail? what would it be like to succeed? And WORST OF ALL what would it be like to succeed and become a failure quickly there after?

What if I get my hopes up only to get them smashed?
What if my name gets out there and someone from my past maliciously throws dirt my way?
What if I'm not as good as everyone thinks I am?
What if I AM as good as everyone thinks I am?
What if it changes who I am?
What if I'm not supposed to dream that big?

Well, fear. I'm done with you. I am taking steps, I'm believing in me, and I'm going to see what happens. If I fail, that's fine...I like my life. If I succeed, that's awesome too! You might hang around and try to plague me every now and then, that's ok..I'm expecting it. But, fear, you should know that you don't control me, I control you. You are but mere emotion, and a weak one at that. I just happen to be on speaking terms with my Creator and he's given me love, power, and a sound mind. So hang around if you must but I'm sorry to tell may get bored quickly, I'm moving on.

So that brings me back to....

I choose to loath you, fear.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

the life of melody

my best friend is an amazing writer. when we met more than ten years ago we had an immediate bond. a lot of that had to do with music and creativity. we quickly began writing lyrics together and then i would give those words the life of melody. the relationship of words and music is a beautiful craft.

sometimes she gives me an idea, sometimes a few phrases, and sometimes she hands me a completed poem. once she hands me those words i begin the process of giving them new life as a song.

thank you, dear friend, for trusting that i will hold those words dear and give them a melody that someday the world may hear.

below is a very rough, work in progress, iPhone voice recorded, version of a poem turned song about the contradiction that is so often love.

for the original poem visit (or just look over there on the right...there's a link) you won't be disappointed when you visit quartland. she's an amazing writer with two YA novels in progress...and an even greater friend.

a new home

bye, bye wordpress. my ramblings have found a new home. as you may have noticed there are a few posts from the past. i thought some of my old posts should come to my new blog home.

if you're reading this i hope you enjoy the nest. i promise there will future material to laugh at, cry with, and keep you in deep thought.

okay, so i can only promise the "laugh at" part but a girl can always dream.

Wake Up Already! 1.18.10

The other day I sat in my bed for a few minutes checking twitter, facebook, you know all those time fillers in life. I sat "criss cross applesauce" style. If you don't know what that means ask a kindergarten teacher.

Any way, when I got up both of my feet were "asleep" or numb. It is the weirdest feeling when parts of your body are numb. So I got up and walked into my bathroom because everyone knows the only way to "wake up" a limb is just to get up and put it to use. But it hurts sooo bad. The longer I stood the worse it hurt. I was thinking if I just stand here the pain will ease and I'll feel better. But the worst tingling and aching always comes right before its over.

Isn't this the story of life? How often have I found myself numb. Numb to situations in my life, numb to my spirit, numb to relationships. I feel that sometimes we let dreams that we've had become numb. We watch hopes become stagnant and numb.

And then it happens. We realize that we have to wake up. Time to mend that relationship. Face that impossible, uncontrollable situation. Time to feed your spirit. But the pain just keeps getting worse, is it worth it? Is that person worth the "sorry, I was wrong"? Can you face the hurt of your situation so that you can begin to mend? Is your spirit weak and ready for some much needed attention?

It is going to hurt. Waking up is hard, it hurts. But there's nothing like that feeling after you've recieved feeling back. Everything feels new. But you have to move. Staying in the same position won't get you anywhere. But don't stop there, keep moving, even if the pain worsens. Pain is good, it means all life hasn't been lost to that part of you. If it still feels. This is always the tricky part for me. I have a pretty high pain tolerance (or so I've been told...I don't have anything to compare it with) so I'm willing to take the pain for a while, I can fight it. But then as it worsens I want to stop. You see, if I thought I already hit the hardest part just to find out its going to get worse...I'm done. Who wants to go on when you thought the pain was almost over? Not me, that's for sure.

But here I am, still going. When it all seems out of control, I hate it. I hate every second of feeling like I can't change things. I'm the kind of person that hears an alarming sound outside and immediately goes to check it out. I don't like to live my life with fear. I don't watch horror movies, I don't need those images in my mind.  I like to be in control of my fear. But sometimes it just doesn't work that way.

I'm so glad I don't face the uncertainty alone. I'm so glad that my Creator has complete control. I'm so glad that he didn't create me with a spirit of fear or timidity but with one full of love and a sound mind. Wow. That was so easy to type but so hard to put into action in the rough times.

Today I challenge you AND myself to trust the Creator. Keep moving, the pain subsides eventually. The pain is worth the end result because LIFE BEATS NUMB any day.

Oh Summer, Where Art Thou? 7.18.10

it. is. july...o summer, where art thou?

this summer has been one of the more challenging seasons of my life. it is so hard to pin point one thing that has really challenged me but i think it's safe to start with my mom. my mom has had poor health for many, many years now and at the end of may we found out that she had a 15 pound mass in her abdomen. the first dr reported that she was almost certain it was cancer. that is never fun news. so began the roller coaster.

my mom insisted that she have her vacation before her surgery. "this could be mom's last vacation"....of course that was in the back of our minds the entire time, not to mention seeing her weak and in pain.
in early june my mom had her surgery, her mass was removed and there was NO cancer!!! what a after several nights in the hospital i headed back to regular life and immediately set out for a colorado mission trip, followed by vacation bible school (which ended today...praise jesus).
somewhere in the week between colorado and vacation bible school i realized that the summer had taken its toll on me. i had crawled in my hole. i tend to interalize stress, not because i'm not dealing with it but because i need to do some personal processing before i'm ready to talk about it. even though its the way i deal, i hate it because i know it looks like i'm shutting people out. i'm not. the other problem with these internalization processing holes....i forget.

i forget the moments when i was confident. confident in relationship, job, finances, calling, basically i forget how to be confident in who i am.

i've decided i need an altar. i need something that reminds me of those moments when i heard my creator's voice and i was confident. i need a physical reminder of the promises i know stand true for me.

i need an altar.

Katy Perry Got One Right 5.26.10

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
It's wrong then it's right
It's black then it's white
We fight we break up
We kiss we make up

Man do I relate to this song! This may be those wonderful hormones that plauge womankind monthly talking (thanks a lot Eve...we'll talk later) but I can be so moody some days! And I'm not talking about happy vs grumpy, I'm talking about content vs paranoid!

I can be content with my job, home, relationships, etc. at lunch time and in a deep state of "where is my life going?" by bed time! What?!

Don't get me wrong these are fleeting moments and at my core I trust that I am following my Creator in my decisions and ultimately he is in control but in those moments it just sucks!

Just had one of those sucky moments earlier and I thought writing it may help. Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't....who knows? One thing I trust in, if I'm hot or cold, in or out, up or Creator has not let go.

Trusting him.    

oh how you take me back 5.8.10

i love music. i love to listen to it, i love to play it, i love to create it. i think music has power. i'm not sure that anything can take me back to a moment or time quite like a song can. today i heard a song and it only took a few notes to take me to a time and place long, long ago.

sometimes this process is amazing and full of the fondest memories but sometimes......sometimes its just a reminder of where you were. not exactly where you were in the sense of location but where you were in a relationship or where you were in your personal journey of growth. today's particular song reminded of who i have become. the ten years that brought me through my 20's and into "those other years" were full of mistakes and full of successes. it has been quite a journey but every part of that journey has brought me to today. all the mud and muck of relationships gone bad, or relationships outgrown have become some sense of fertilizer to boost me into the person that i am.

so bring it on! songs of the past, i'm not scared of you...i welcome you and thanks for being such an important part of who i am. i will continue to let music be part of who i am, part of my relationships, part of my worship, part of my failures, and part of my successes.

"Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought." ~E.Y. Harburg

Water and Spirit 5.7.10

This weekend I was again reminded of the power of the water. As I watched a river destroy a city that I love, I was simply heartbroken. To see the Grand Ole Opry under water, the Country Music Hall of Fame covered in 6ft of flood water, Opry Mills, oh how I love Opry Mills...buildings and vehicles floating on currents like we would see sticks or leaves floating on normal a day.

This is not the first time I've been amazed by the power of water. Five months after Hurricane Katrina I was part of a mission team that visited the Biloxi, Mississippi area. As we drove through Biloxi and Bay St. Louis I was in awe. It was horribly amazing. I saw a casino boat that had been lifted and sat atop a hotel, a multiple story hotel. I saw a water tower that had simply been thrown from it's base several hundred yards away. I saw foundations where multi-million dollar ocean view homes were now replaced with FEMA trailers.

Then I think of how I feel sitting by a rolling creek, reading by the ocean, or floating a lake in my kayak.

Water is so peaceful and so powerful. Water is so cleansing and so destructive.

We use water as the symbol of the Holy Spirit. The Spirit can sweep through a city and destroy the darkness in it's path. Sometimes He destroys the things we hold dear because the will of the Father is beyond our understanding. The Spirit will flood and carry away the junk and garbage that we often store in our heart. How often has the Spirit taken something so large in our lives and simply sat something bigger and better directly on top? Haven't we all had our house shaken by the Spirit and found ourselves rebuilding on a simple foundation?

The Holy Spirit is so peaceful and so powerful. The Holy Spirit is so cleansing and so destructive.

My prayer for you today is that the Holy Spirit would destroy those things in your life that are ready to be carried away by His power and He would leave you clean and at peace.