Sunday, April 22, 2012

peace is a melody's been forever since i've written. so sorry, you guys. there's been a lot going on in my life. sometime in late february/early march the staff at the church i serve got the news that the financial climate of our church has not been great. we were told that there was a real possibility for budget cuts. these cuts could be in programming, salaries or even positions.

it was at that point that fear really began to set in. i love all my co-workers. but the team of student ministers (children, youth & college)...we are close, they are my family. the fear was yelling that my family could be wounded.

fear destroys creativity.

from my stand point the possibility that i may lose my job was REAL. i was the last person added to our church staff so in my mind it would make sense that i may be one of the first to go. as time went on there wasn't really a lot more information given. a few weeks later we were assured that the financial problem was only growing worse and the pending fate was still real and alive.

this waiting game has been like watching a storm rise in the distance. you can see it coming. the darkness bares witness to change. you can literally feel the change around you. the very scent in the air says something is coming. but as you watch...and feel...and smell all you can do is wait, anticipate...fear.

will this storm destroy anything?
will it blow over?
will i find safety?
if it misses me, who will it hit?
is my family safe?

the dark cloud that has been rolling in finally broke this past week. and boy has it been a storm. i didn't lose my job but one of my family did. just like that...the storm comes and is gone. you assess the damage and the rebuilding begins.

so back to that whole fear and creativity thing. a side effect of fear in my life is a feeling of being paralyzed. of lying dormant. being stagnate.

fear destroys creativity.

i haven't really been able to write. no songs. no blogs. no chapters. no words. but i HAD to find a release, there HAD to be a way for the cry of my heart to be heard. i think one of the coolest things about my Creator and how He knows me is that He doesn't pressure me to have all the right words or answers...ever. i didn't have to have the right words for the looming storm of my life. my sweet Father knew i was empty. He knew my heart so He sent these words to me...

when the pieces seem too shattered, to gather off the floor
and all the seems to matter is i don't feel you anymore
i need a reason to sing, i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands
when i'm overcome by fear, and i hate everything i know
if this waiting lasts forever i'm afraid i might let go
i need a reason to sing, i need to know that you're still holding the whole world in your hands
will there be a victory...will you sing it over me now
your peace is the melody...will you sing it over me now

i've listened to "reason to sing" by all sons and daughters more times that i can count because my fear is not my own. this feeling that if my waiting lasts forever i may just let go is not isolated to me alone. this isn't a new thing for my Creator. He's still holding my world in His hands.

today marked the 5 year anniversary for the worship service where i have led in song since day one. today also marked the last day i will lead there. today i stood among family and we realized the worst storms bring damage. but we also realized that we serve a Creator and sometimes out of the rubble and debris there are treasures to find and hope to rebuild.

in the midst of the storm it is hard to judge what lies ahead.

but i am certain...

there will be a victory.
my Creator's peace is a melody sung over me.
He holds my world in His hands.
i have a reason to sing.