almost a year ago a story started eating its way into my mind. but not just my mind, into my emotions. honestly, at first i thought it was just because so many of my friends are writers. i love being with my writer friends, i love the energy, i love the creativity, and i love how encouraging they are. naturally as a creative person i began to think about their craft. all my life i've created scenarios in my mind. i've created songs. i've had sparks for sitcom ideas. i like to let children help me re-create fairytales. but the thing that sets me apart is i've never written anything beyond the short stories required for creative writing in high school or the poems that stem from my emotional rants, at times.
enter guilt.
i feel guilty that i haven't desired to be a writer since i was really young. i have this sense of guilt/shame that people will try to say i'm simply trying to fit in. or i'm just trying to follow someone else's path.
in this particular situation i think the largest amount of guilt stems from this: the dream i HAVE had since i was a child is to be a full time singer/songwriter. this has translated in my mind to mean that i have to do ONE OR THE OTHER. i have lied to myself by saying that if i give time to writing a novel it will take valuable time away from songwriting. i don't want to be a failure as a songwriter at the expense of dabbling in novel writing.
you may consider this guilt silly or unnecessary. this type of guilt may be foreign to you. if so, i'm really glad! guilt/shame (which seem to go hand-in-hand) really, really suck.
the story that lives in my head is the telling of this emotion in me. it is the story that gives birth to guilt and shame throughout my life. it's roots are deep.
what will this story look like? will it come in song form? will it come in novel form? will it EVER TAKE FORM?
these are questions i'm asking myself. but this much i know for sure...i'm letting myself off the hook. i'm telling myself that it is ok to create in whatever form it comes to me. i am allowing myself to realize that one creative medium doesn't suck the life from the other, they can feed each other. i'm also allowing myself some time. if writing a song today means i don't write any words, so be it.
i've built myself into a box and honestly...i'm tired of the walls.
someone toss me a sledge hammer.
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