bi polar.

no,don't stop reading, i'm not going to talk about a chemical imbalance that causes extreme changes in mood from depression to manic. however, i am going to talk about extremes.

i feel like i live in a world of extremes. some i'm willing to share here with the intraweb and some i'm not. some of them are silly, for instance...my bedroom is usually pretty messy. it's getting better because i made it part of my new year's resolution to keep it manageable and so far, so good. but i can lay down at night in the midst of clothes all over my floor and on my chair but i CAN NOT go to sleep if all my dresser drawers aren't completely shut and my closet door is open. this is a bi polar post, not an OCD post so that's all i'm going to say about that.

my silly bedtime quirks are not the reason i was compelled to write today. i feel these extremes in bigger places too.

i feel this great desire for stability. financial stability, relational stability, spiritual stability, etc... but at the same time i have these great desires to uproot, move myself to east nashville, and live the life of the "starving artist" until i can actually make money with my vocal cords and guitar.

i have a great desire to embrace my inner rock star and look like pink. yes, that pink. the one with platinum hair, piercings, tattoos...the whole sha-bang! but i also have a desire to look i work at a church (because i do). so instead the contrast is usually pretty extreme...




however, the one place my "disorder" shows up the most is in my music. this is not a genre battle. am i going to sound this way or that way? no, that's not it at all, this battle has been more internal for me.

for more than 10 years now i have led worship in some shape or form. i love it. i love leading with a full band, i love "coffee shop" style with a trio of friends. i love doing it alone, just me and a guitar. i love the rush of hearing several hundred people singing along with me. i love hearing a classroom of chinese students. i love hearing my students. i love it when it's just me in a room all alone. so, where does that fit into today's rant about bi polarism?

well...i've done a LOT of thinking about who i am as an artist. and honestly i hope i'm having this battle until the day i die. i want to continue challenging myself. how can we ever grow if not challenged?

i'm not a huge fan of popular christian music. i think a huge part of this stems from the fact that, in general, i like more folk/americana/indie/acoustic stuff. (of course we all have our guilty pleasures like the above mentioned, pink) so i decided that i wouldn't write "christian" songs...on purpose. i decided i would write songs, as a christian, but not christian songs. i wouldn't omit my faith completely, but i also wouldn't display it like some obnoxious trophy. no use of christanese at all.

so that's what i did on contradictions. no worship songs included and no blatant christian themes. the closest i came was with "again" but it's still not an overload. and then i started really tackling the question of why do i have this dream of being a full-time musician? fame? fulfillment? love of music? after seriously pondering this question here's what i came up with:

music has inspired me in so many ways throughout my entire life. i want my words to inspire others. i want my words to tell stories the way i love to hear stories.

next step, who inspires me? i figure if i want to inspire others i need to find out what inspires me, what speaks to me, what makes me want to be a better me. this is where the bi polar part comes in. i've spent all this time deciding that i needed to be totally vague about my spirituality in my music. i need to let it be an underlying tone but without saying it out loud.

are you ready for this big revelation?

i'm inspired by both. i'm inspired by artists who have underlining themes of faith, grace & love. artists who never have to blatantly say it but it's there. AND i'm inspired by those openly write about faith, struggle, grace & and the love of our Savior. i made a preposterous decision to keep the two parts of me at opposite ends of the spectrum.

i became a bi polar.

how do you treat bi polarism? find a way to keep the two poles on a more equal, even keel. i can write both, and that's ok.

some of you sitting out there may be reading this and are now disappointed that you've invested this much time to get to this point because, DUH. i understand that. but let's be honest. we all live the bi polar life in some area. your's may not be how to express your faith (or not) through music. you may think pink looks RIDICULOUS (but please, really? she's a rock goddess. girl can sing...hanging upside down...dipped in water...HELLO.) but you do have something.

so in whatever area of life your bi polar monster shows up...beat it. there is an even keel. you can mix the two. trust me, living a balanced life brings more peace. and, come on, who doesn't want more peace?

peace, balance & love to you!



BONUS! i thought i'd leave you with some of my favorite inspiring lyrics, enjoy!

"there's a peace that passes understanding coursing through the blood in my veins. still is my soul." ~ jill phillips

"oh speak now for my soul is listening-say that you have saved me-whisper in the dark-'cause i know you're more than my salvation- without you i am hopeless-tell me who you are- you are the keeper of my heart" ~ audrey assad

"oh, the outcast dreams of acceptance just to find pure love's embrace-like an orphan longs for his mother may you hold me in your grace" ~ the civil wars

"it seems that all my bridges have been burnt-but you say that's exactly how this grace thing works-it's not the long walk home that will change this heart-but the welcome I receive with the restart" ~ mumford & sons

"and oh, there is nowhere left to go from here-i have fallen past the last frontier-but at the bottom of the well i hear you breathing-love below me, love around me, love above me, oh love has found me, love has found me here." ~ andrew peterson

"hey you with the rainbow flag, i can hear you say-you don't belong here, not if you're gay-although we all fall short, i guess they still believe some people fall too far for grace to reach-just when i start to think they've got it all wrong that's when i realize the truth-maybe they're right you don't belong here-you deserve to be where there are people that care-instead of a world that shouts from the high road-saying we love like God but you don't belong here" ~ jill phillips


okay....i could go on and on but i'll stop for now! if you've never heard of one of the artist i quoted...fix that.